Rocky: October 2008

Today my dad would have been 56 years young! This has been a hard day for me, actually it has been hard all week knowing that "Friday is his birthday", I kept thinking that all week. I figured it was going to be, I actually thought about calling off work. I didn't know if I would be able to go through the motions or not. I have this constant lump in my throat, trying to hold back tears. I have to blink my eyes throughout the day to clear them, so they stay away. I had a dream about him during my nap today. (Remember, I work night shift) I was walking through my parent's kitchen towards the front room and my mom and dad had just arrived. My mom said "Here he is!", like he had just gotten home from the hospital. He didn't have any injuries though. He was smiling and standing there as I ran towards him. I put my arms around him and held him so tight. I could actually smell his cologne on him, so I knew it was real. I held him really tight, I laid my head on his chest and just sat there breathing with my eyes closed. I knew that it was true what I had been telling Brent these past few weeks, that Rocky is just on vacation or out of the office. And that is why he hasn't called me, because he is just busy. It still doesn't seem true to me.
It makes a difference being so far away, I know. Because as Brent said, we are not there day to day to be reminded that he is no longer at the house or going to come home. But, how real it is to my mom.
I think it is hard to compare grief. I feel differently than my mom, and you feel differently that me. Everyone is missing apart of him in there own way. I know I am sad, actually hurting inside, my chest aches at times and my head hurts from the stress of thinking about it. But, I think that dream helped me today, he reminded me that he is still here (inside) and he knows that I care for him deeply.
Thank you for listening. I am kinda having a hard week. I love all of you. Please know that all your words and emails and prayers have gone a long way. We are very blessed to have friends and family that really and truly care.